I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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