i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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