Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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