Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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