my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
