I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
