I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
