so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
