just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
