Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
