i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
His nipple licking is glorious
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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