I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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