i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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