i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
