So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
