Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
