I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
