Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
