Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
