i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Oh god it's open bar.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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