i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
