census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
