I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
