Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
