My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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