honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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