what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
