i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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