Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
