fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
