Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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