I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
