a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
