Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
