Having a random hookup so left but love u
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
