It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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