I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
