i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
