There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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