my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
50% drunk capacity currently
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
