we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
