They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Houston, we have a blender
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
