It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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