The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
