btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
