your parents love me but you hate me
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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