my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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