two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
