I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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