i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
