Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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