I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
