Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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